Dissociation

I have begun treatment with a new therapist.  I began seeing her in January of this year, so we are still learning about each other.  My previous therapist was no longer available to me.  I did have several EMDR treatments with this therapist, but due to my being highly dissociative, I was not able to fully process the memories.  I don’t believe that she was aware that I was dissociating so much.  I know I had no clue.  With my new therapist I was reading a book about EMDR and dissociation, which triggered an episode a few nights ago.  I felt devastated.  It hit me very hard to learn how dissociative I am.  This is very painful for me.

My therapist and I were planning to start EMDR treatment.  We were going to begin practicing grounding techniques and other resourceful methods to help me during processing.  Due to my recent episode, which let us know how dissociated I am, we will not continue with our discussed plan for treatment.  I haven’t the slightest idea what we are going to do, but I hope my therapist will know what to do.  I will see her tomorrow and we will talk about all this then.  Evidently, my treatment plans will have to change.

I must admit that I feel terribly discouraged about all of this.  Battling both depression and PTSD are extremely difficult and I haven’t had very much luck.  I’m aware that the road to health and wellness is long, dark, and scary, but I’m not sure if I am capable of surviving this journey.  However, I was willing to try.  What stopped me dead in my tracks is the dissociation.  I already have two very strong demons to fight off and now I have this one.  The worst part about dissociation is that it can be invisible.  I’m well aware of the other two, but this one can sneak up on me and torment me for years without my knowledge of it.  Health and wellness is even further away from me now.

Processing Memories

I have been attending weekly therapy sessions since October of last year, and I had my first treatment of EMDR a couple of weeks ago.  Before partaking in this kind of treatment, I wasn’t sure if it would be very effective for me.  I had many, many questions and concerns about EMDR therapy.  I wanted to know how intense the treatment is and how to receive the most benefit from it.  I am excited about the idea of feeling better and becoming well, but I fear the long, dark road ahead.  However, I am ready.

My therapist suggested starting with the traumatic memories that are the least distressing.  I remember many of my traumatic experiences in detail, but I am dissociated from many of the feelings associated with the experiences.  Sometimes I feel that the traumatic experiences weren’t very traumatic at all, although I know my unconscious mind will beg to differ.  Despite being dissociated from my past, my life is very negatively effected by the beliefs I have developed of myself and the world because of the trauma.  EMDR therapy should help me to process these traumatic memories, which are thought of as being “stuck” in my mind.  Once they become “unstuck” I will be able to better access what I had experienced and how I felt about those experiences.  With this information, I could develop more positive beliefs about myself and the world while shattering any negative or unhealthy beliefs.  It’s much easier said than done.  This will be a slow and steady process (although it seems to be going quickly!)

I’m excited!  I’m ready to be well and feel good about my life.  Anxiety and depression are not the way to live.  I’m not sure how it would feel to be well, so all of this is new to me.  Actually, EMDR is new to me.  I had no idea what it was when I begun treatment.  I’ve read many positive stories about the therapy since then, so I’m very hopeful that it will work for me.  Wish me luck!

Productive Changes

In order to change my life I need to change the way I view it.  I’ve realized that I’ve been looking at my world through victim’s eyes.  I was a victim of child abuse, but I have survived.  Now I am a young adult still struggling with post-traumatic stress disorder, but I don’t have to live as if I am still a victim.  I know this road to change will be difficult, but I am ready.  There are two very important steps I am taking in order to start this meaningful process.

First, as mentioned before, I need to change my thoughts.  I can’t change what has happened to me during my childhood, but I can change what is happening to me now.  To remain in the state of mind I was in as a child will not do me any good now as a survivor.  Thinking with a victim mentality, one would hope that a negative situation would get better.  She wouldn’t accept responsibility for her experience and she wouldn’t attempt to change it.  I can’t live like that anymore.  I can’t say that I know exactly what to do, but I know that being accountable for my own perceptions and making an effort to change what I don’t like will put me off to a good start. 

Second, I need help and support.  After all these years I now know who to go to and who not to go to.  I’ve been searching for a therapist who specializes in trauma and PTSD, and I have found a few who really interest me.  I don’t have a really strong support system within my family, but I do have people I can contact when I need to talk.  Therapy and support will really help me change things in my life.  I will have a better understanding of my condition and I will be able to feel more in control of my experiences.  This will prove to be a major part in helping me shape my life into what I desire it to be.

My life has been a series of trials and failures because I didn’t believe that I could get anything better.  I know that I can have whatever I desire, but I will have to make changes in the way I think and the way I view my life.  I am thankful to have survived, and now it is time for me to take control of my life and live it to the fullest.  My spirituality will also be a factor in getting my life on track.  I am excited and ready to start this journey!

Consistency

Consistency is a good thing when one is comfortable with it.  What’s constant in my life seems to be an endless string of disappointments.  Don’t get me wrong – there are wonderful times, too.  The thing is that they are few and far between, and the disappointments outweight them.  Honestly, I’m tired of feeling these negative feelings, and writing about them doesn’t do very much sometimes.  I think what I need is a drastic change.  Not a change like losing my job, becoming ill (as if I weren’t already), or a death in the family, but something major and positive, obviously.   I don’t know how much longer I can continue with this.

I’m so tired and my energy is limited.  I barely feel like putting together a decent post.

A Kind of Depression

I am very tired at the moment.  My tiredness is due to a lack of sleep, walking for nearly an hour and a half for five days a week, not eating whenever necessary, my overall mental health, and last but not least my job.  I can’t help but to think about death.  My life seems so futile, especially when I continue to repeat the same patterns over and over when I try so hard not to.  I’m sure pushing away from something does not help.  I’m convinced that I don’t know what to do.  I know that I must follow the path of least resistance, but how do I do that when my mind doesn’t harbor very healthy thoughts?  My mind is programmed to create negative outcomes, such as getting back into a rut.  Taking more time off wouldn’t do me any good.  I need professional help at this point – for my physical and mental health.

Insomnia has followed me ever since I was a little child, so I’m not surprised that I’m still having trouble with sleeping.  I know and understand that sleep is a necessity, but I don’t treat it as such.  That’s a problem, and so is not eating properly.  It’s not that I don’t eat healthy foods – I barely eat at all.  Well, lately I’ve been eating one or two small meals a day, which is an improvement for me.  I need to eat breakfast and lunch if nothing else.  Along with sleeping, I will try to make eating regularly a priority. 

As far as exercising goes, I do quite enough of that now.  I walk to work instead of taking the bus (I don’t have a car).  Walking is free and healthful.  I just need to nourish and replenish myself since I’m walking so often now.  I may cut my walking in half since my work schedule has changed considerably.  I did want to exercise more, and it’s nice to know that I’m doing so.  Also, I run around a bit and lift heavy things at work, so I’m counting that as exercise as well.  Another thing - I try to dance at home since I plan to become a dancer in a couple of years or so.

My mental health isn’t in its worst possible state, but I must express how tired and worn out I feel.  I’m tired in every way possible at this point.  That’s awful!  I am at a point where I’m beginning to think that I need medication.  The idea of becoming a dancer is strengthening me a bit, but I can’t dance until I get out of this rut I am currently in.  This unhealthy, depressing, seemingly endless rut.  I’m sure completely changing my environment will provoke a bit of a change, but I’m so far gone that my mind cannot keep up.   Simply, I just need professional help.

A Tidbit: Path of Least Resistance

I’m in the process of following the path of least resistance.  Actually, it’s not as difficult as I thought it would be!  I was a little overwhelmed about when I would be able to cover all my expenses: which bill to pay first, which health problem I should take care of first, etc.  Instead of getting all flustered by all the details and specifics, I just went by what I wanted to do, what I felt would make me happy.   So, now I have a plan that I’m happy with.  There is something else that I need to do, and I’m still trying to figure it out, but I’ll get those thoughts together.

What to Do, What to Do

My life is getting better and worse at the same time, and it’s tiresome and annoying.  I will begin working soon, which will help me financially, but the money from this particular job will not be enough to cover all my bills and such.  Looking for a second job will be difficult since the economy is in such horrible shape, but I do have an idea as to what  other business I could work for.  I am so tired of barely getting by, and at this point I’m willing to do almost anything in order to get out of this rut.

I’ve learned a lot during these past several weeks or so.  I learned many things about myself and my condition, so now I’m trying to figure out what to do, how to proceed in life.  It’s difficult to create a plan when I have my urgent finances to take care of.  Quite frankly, I don’t want to deal with my financial problems at all, but I must since my health and credit score depend on it.   I have a feeling that this is going to be a slow and draining process.  I probably should try to be  more positive and rely on my spirituality to help me during this difficult time,  but I’m very comfortable being angry and annoyed at the moment.  I’m learning to accept and express my thoughts and emotions more, no matter what they are or how they feel.  I believe that this will allow me to feel “freer,” which in turn will help me to “allow” more rather than to “resist.”

My life wasn’t really going anywhere, and now I feel like this is another huge setback.  There has to be a drastic change, but I’m not sure what to do.   Yes, I have an idea, but I’m not entirely sure about the details yet.  Still, however, I have to figure out what I’m going to do until then.

Difficult but Just Decisions

Life, at the moment, isn’t going as well as I want it to. I was faced with a difficult decision and decided to respond. For a minute, I began to feel regretful for making such a decision, but really, it was the right decision. I feel guilty for a variety of reasons, and maybe I shouldn’t, but I feel as though I can’t help it. I think the problem is that I have a tendency to blame myself for things, even if they’re not my fault. I have to accept that I have made the right decision, regardless of what happens. I worry about the outcome and if it will negatively affect me. Really, however, it shouldn’t.

I’m just not in a good place right now. I mean that both literally and mentally. The environment, the people and places I’m around, is hindering me more than anything. This negatively affects my mental health, and things don’t seem to be getting any better. I already have mental health problems, so all these new difficulties coupled with the old ones just makes me feel like giving up. I’m trying to get to a better place, but, seriously, is it possible at this point?

Currently I’m just passing along. I’m not sure what’s going to transpire for the next several weeks (or longer), but I don’t think that I want to deal with any of it. I just want to live happily, and I feel like I can’t. I can’t help but to feel that I have made the wrong decision, but what other decision was there? I feel as if all of this is really complicated, but really it shouldn’t be. I’m probably just paranoid and anxious – the epitome of my illness. I’m in the process of getting help, so I’ll see what happens.

Short and Sweet

I’ve been dealing with so much lately.  There were things in my life that I had to let go of, and I am happy to say what a relief it is to no longer have those terrible afflictions.  Now I plan to keep myself busy.

Allowing an Improvement to Take Place

Honestly, I still don’t know what it means to “go with the flow.” I’ve been confused by that for quite some time. Well, it’s hard to “go with the flow” when you’re not sure what the hell it is exactly. I’ve been trying, but needless to say, I’m not too sure about what I’m doing. Well, I had a slight dilemma in my life, and I found one way to resolve it, but I’m not 100% on-board with that solution. Also, I’m not 100% on-board with remaining in this slight dilemma. I guess since I don’t see a path I like, I’ll create one. Since this is my reality, then I’ll create something I will be more than happy living with. I really do want to learn from this experience, so here goes. Is this going with the flow?

I don’t blame myself for being in this situation and I don’t hate my life for it or anything like that. At this point, I figure that it will be good with me. I guess going with the flow is following what feels good to me? Anyway, I don’t want to totally abandon this situation and I don’t want to indulge in how I feel about it, because I feel like I’m suffering a bit. Well, how about I just not suffer anymore? Why don’t I create a different perspective on the situation. This way, I’ll be happy. The situation will definitely change because my thoughts and feelings toward it will change, so it’s all good, right? I’d say so! As long as I don’t end up feeling regret, pain, or any other negative feeling.

I want to indulge in this situation, but in a way that’s healthy and satisfying for me. Initially, I didn’t feel very safe, but I allowed myself to see the situation in a safe way. What ended up happening was that I attracted more incidents where I felt more comfortable and I didn’t worry about damaging myself or my well-being in any way. Wonderful. Now the situation has gone from pretty dangerous to a bit…uh, tiring. I should figure out what I want from this experience exactly. That would help me a lot as far as improving it goes. The process would be a lot faster this way, too.

Obviously, I don’t want to say what the situation is because I don’t feel it necessary and also this experience affects myself as well as others. Well, I’ll see how this works. Hopefully, it’ll turn out perfectly. I understand how I got into this situation in the first place, and I felt that it was a mistake at first, but now I see otherwise.  I have to get into the mindset of believing that everything happens for the best.  It’s not fair for me to think that everything that happens in my life is bullshit.  So, I must learn something valuable from this, and I believe that I am.  If the situation doesn’t improve, then I’ll be sure to write about it later.  Otherwise, all is well!