Consistency

Consistency is a good thing when one is comfortable with it.  What’s constant in my life seems to be an endless string of disappointments.  Don’t get me wrong – there are wonderful times, too.  The thing is that they are few and far between, and the disappointments outweight them.  Honestly, I’m tired of feeling these negative feelings, and writing about them doesn’t do very much sometimes.  I think what I need is a drastic change.  Not a change like losing my job, becoming ill (as if I weren’t already), or a death in the family, but something major and positive, obviously.   I don’t know how much longer I can continue with this.

I’m so tired and my energy is limited.  I barely feel like putting together a decent post.

A Kind of Depression

I am very tired at the moment.  My tiredness is due to a lack of sleep, walking for nearly an hour and a half for five days a week, not eating whenever necessary, my overall mental health, and last but not least my job.  I can’t help but to think about death.  My life seems so futile, especially when I continue to repeat the same patterns over and over when I try so hard not to.  I’m sure pushing away from something does not help.  I’m convinced that I don’t know what to do.  I know that I must follow the path of least resistance, but how do I do that when my mind doesn’t harbor very healthy thoughts?  My mind is programmed to create negative outcomes, such as getting back into a rut.  Taking more time off wouldn’t do me any good.  I need professional help at this point – for my physical and mental health.

Insomnia has followed me ever since I was a little child, so I’m not surprised that I’m still having trouble with sleeping.  I know and understand that sleep is a necessity, but I don’t treat it as such.  That’s a problem, and so is not eating properly.  It’s not that I don’t eat healthy foods – I barely eat at all.  Well, lately I’ve been eating one or two small meals a day, which is an improvement for me.  I need to eat breakfast and lunch if nothing else.  Along with sleeping, I will try to make eating regularly a priority. 

As far as exercising goes, I do quite enough of that now.  I walk to work instead of taking the bus (I don’t have a car).  Walking is free and healthful.  I just need to nourish and replenish myself since I’m walking so often now.  I may cut my walking in half since my work schedule has changed considerably.  I did want to exercise more, and it’s nice to know that I’m doing so.  Also, I run around a bit and lift heavy things at work, so I’m counting that as exercise as well.  Another thing - I try to dance at home since I plan to become a dancer in a couple of years or so.

My mental health isn’t in its worst possible state, but I must express how tired and worn out I feel.  I’m tired in every way possible at this point.  That’s awful!  I am at a point where I’m beginning to think that I need medication.  The idea of becoming a dancer is strengthening me a bit, but I can’t dance until I get out of this rut I am currently in.  This unhealthy, depressing, seemingly endless rut.  I’m sure completely changing my environment will provoke a bit of a change, but I’m so far gone that my mind cannot keep up.   Simply, I just need professional help.

A Tidbit: Path of Least Resistance

I’m in the process of following the path of least resistance.  Actually, it’s not as difficult as I thought it would be!  I was a little overwhelmed about when I would be able to cover all my expenses: which bill to pay first, which health problem I should take care of first, etc.  Instead of getting all flustered by all the details and specifics, I just went by what I wanted to do, what I felt would make me happy.   So, now I have a plan that I’m happy with.  There is something else that I need to do, and I’m still trying to figure it out, but I’ll get those thoughts together.

What to Do, What to Do

My life is getting better and worse at the same time, and it’s tiresome and annoying.  I will begin working soon, which will help me financially, but the money from this particular job will not be enough to cover all my bills and such.  Looking for a second job will be difficult since the economy is in such horrible shape, but I do have an idea as to what  other business I could work for.  I am so tired of barely getting by, and at this point I’m willing to do almost anything in order to get out of this rut.

I’ve learned a lot during these past several weeks or so.  I learned many things about myself and my condition, so now I’m trying to figure out what to do, how to proceed in life.  It’s difficult to create a plan when I have my urgent finances to take care of.  Quite frankly, I don’t want to deal with my financial problems at all, but I must since my health and credit score depend on it.   I have a feeling that this is going to be a slow and draining process.  I probably should try to be  more positive and rely on my spirituality to help me during this difficult time,  but I’m very comfortable being angry and annoyed at the moment.  I’m learning to accept and express my thoughts and emotions more, no matter what they are or how they feel.  I believe that this will allow me to feel “freer,” which in turn will help me to “allow” more rather than to “resist.”

My life wasn’t really going anywhere, and now I feel like this is another huge setback.  There has to be a drastic change, but I’m not sure what to do.   Yes, I have an idea, but I’m not entirely sure about the details yet.  Still, however, I have to figure out what I’m going to do until then.

Difficult but Just Decisions

Life, at the moment, isn’t going as well as I want it to. I was faced with a difficult decision and decided to respond. For a minute, I began to feel regretful for making such a decision, but really, it was the right decision. I feel guilty for a variety of reasons, and maybe I shouldn’t, but I feel as though I can’t help it. I think the problem is that I have a tendency to blame myself for things, even if they’re not my fault. I have to accept that I have made the right decision, regardless of what happens. I worry about the outcome and if it will negatively affect me. Really, however, it shouldn’t.

I’m just not in a good place right now. I mean that both literally and mentally. The environment, the people and places I’m around, is hindering me more than anything. This negatively affects my mental health, and things don’t seem to be getting any better. I already have mental health problems, so all these new difficulties coupled with the old ones just makes me feel like giving up. I’m trying to get to a better place, but, seriously, is it possible at this point?

Currently I’m just passing along. I’m not sure what’s going to transpire for the next several weeks (or longer), but I don’t think that I want to deal with any of it. I just want to live happily, and I feel like I can’t. I can’t help but to feel that I have made the wrong decision, but what other decision was there? I feel as if all of this is really complicated, but really it shouldn’t be. I’m probably just paranoid and anxious – the epitome of my illness. I’m in the process of getting help, so I’ll see what happens.

Short and Sweet

I’ve been dealing with so much lately.  There were things in my life that I had to let go of, and I am happy to say what a relief it is to no longer have those terrible afflictions.  Now I plan to keep myself busy.

Allowing an Improvement to Take Place

Honestly, I still don’t know what it means to “go with the flow.” I’ve been confused by that for quite some time. Well, it’s hard to “go with the flow” when you’re not sure what the hell it is exactly. I’ve been trying, but needless to say, I’m not too sure about what I’m doing. Well, I had a slight dilemma in my life, and I found one way to resolve it, but I’m not 100% on-board with that solution. Also, I’m not 100% on-board with remaining in this slight dilemma. I guess since I don’t see a path I like, I’ll create one. Since this is my reality, then I’ll create something I will be more than happy living with. I really do want to learn from this experience, so here goes. Is this going with the flow?

I don’t blame myself for being in this situation and I don’t hate my life for it or anything like that. At this point, I figure that it will be good with me. I guess going with the flow is following what feels good to me? Anyway, I don’t want to totally abandon this situation and I don’t want to indulge in how I feel about it, because I feel like I’m suffering a bit. Well, how about I just not suffer anymore? Why don’t I create a different perspective on the situation. This way, I’ll be happy. The situation will definitely change because my thoughts and feelings toward it will change, so it’s all good, right? I’d say so! As long as I don’t end up feeling regret, pain, or any other negative feeling.

I want to indulge in this situation, but in a way that’s healthy and satisfying for me. Initially, I didn’t feel very safe, but I allowed myself to see the situation in a safe way. What ended up happening was that I attracted more incidents where I felt more comfortable and I didn’t worry about damaging myself or my well-being in any way. Wonderful. Now the situation has gone from pretty dangerous to a bit…uh, tiring. I should figure out what I want from this experience exactly. That would help me a lot as far as improving it goes. The process would be a lot faster this way, too.

Obviously, I don’t want to say what the situation is because I don’t feel it necessary and also this experience affects myself as well as others. Well, I’ll see how this works. Hopefully, it’ll turn out perfectly. I understand how I got into this situation in the first place, and I felt that it was a mistake at first, but now I see otherwise.  I have to get into the mindset of believing that everything happens for the best.  It’s not fair for me to think that everything that happens in my life is bullshit.  So, I must learn something valuable from this, and I believe that I am.  If the situation doesn’t improve, then I’ll be sure to write about it later.  Otherwise, all is well!

A Change in Tune

A few weeks ago, I tried to write an entry about hope, but I didn’t really like the way that it was coming out, so I decided to discontinue writing and delete it. It’s been quite some time since I’ve last written here. I got to a point where I didn’t really feel like writing. Well, previously, I felt that my life was slowly going down hill and that I couldn’t really do much about it without possibly worsening the situation (I felt that my decisions weren’t any good since my life hasn’t improved as much as I felt it should have). I feel a bit differently now. I wrote my feelings down in another journal and took my mind off of the subject for a while, which helped quite a bit. My thoughts and feelings tend to change, which is a good thing because they have been pretty negative lately.

I’ve been through a lot in my life as far as mental health problems are concerned. Now that I have been aware of all these problems for a while, I have expected some positive changes, but I haven’t seen much of the positives (still don’t, actually), so I feel a bit upset about that. Of course I don’t expect things to change overnight, and really, I never have, but it seems that nothing is going the way I’ve planned. This has made me feel insecure with my decisions regarding my life. I had to admit that I’m doing the best that I can, considering I don’t have much to work with, but I couldn’t help but to wonder why things still don’t seem to be going in my favor. Yes, things are a little better now than they have been a couple of years ago, but considering how much help I need, this isn’t enough.

Now, here’s what I see: whenever I feel down, it won’t last forever. Knowing this and accepting it as a personal truth helps to make the negative “phases” end sooner. Many people have told me this before, but it was hard for me to accept that when I felt like shit all the time. Once I began thinking about how I’ve felt in the past and how those negative feelings and thoughts have changed – drastically, even – I began to feel more positive and those feelings began to fade away. Great, because I don’t like feeling that way at all. I just need to focus my thoughts on the positive things in my life. Luckily, I’ve learned a lot about myself and my illness, so I can now defend myself against those negative thoughts and feelings without so much difficulty, like I have in the past.

Well, as far as my plans go, I’m not sure what I’m going to do. I don’t want to create anymore big, elaborate plans, so, as mentioned before, I’m gonna stick with small goals. Right now, I plan to get a job. It doesn’t have to be my dream job, but it has to be something that I’m willing to do. I’m not being too picky this time around, either.

Going With the Flow

Things are going well so far. I’m accomplishing some of my small goals, I’m regaining my self-confidence, and, moreover, I just feel good. Actually, I’ve been feeling pretty sick, but that’s not stopping me. I need to learn how to go with the flow, and, honestly, I don’t know how. It seems like I need to do something in order to get things done. That’s true, I guess, that I should do some things, but I don’t know what to do and what not to do. I may be too anxious to actually allow my life to flow smoothly since I had some bad experiences in the past. I must learn this process in order to succeed in my life, though.

Currently, I’m in a wonderful state of mind.  Every now and then some negative thoughts tend to sweep through my mind, but they haven’t been strong enough to stop my flow.  My flow is anything that embraces love and knowledge, so my path should be fulfilling and enlightening.   Okay, I know what flow is, but how the hell do I go with it?  According to all of the literature I’ve read on the subject, it should be incredibly easy.  Considering my problems with anxiety and depression, I don’t know how easy this will be for me.  Maybe it doesn’t really matter…  My contentment is a bit stronger than my anxiety right now, and that means a lot.  Anyway,  I only wish to be happy.

I think my main task here is to look at things from a broader perspective.  I tend to look at certain ideas and judge them negatively, rather than looking at them as an individual idea within a pool of ideas, which radiate from this magnificent universe.  After all, if I see the universe as good, shouldn’t I see all its extensions as good, too?  I must say that I feel a bit of cognitive dissonance when I contemplate this idea.  I’ve felt this way for many months in fact.  When it comes down to it, I’m afraid of losing myself, losing my sense of reality (not that my reality’s 100% in tact anyway).  As mentioned before, I’ve had some negative experiences, so it’s a bit difficult for me to give up on resistance and allow my natural state of being to flow through.   It sounds so easy, but it’s instilled in my mind to resist because “life is unfair,” and in a portion of my reality this holds true.  When looking at the big picture, though, all it really amounts to is a bunch of bullshit allowing more resistance into my life, but I guess I shouldn’t think like that.  Somehow all my experiences, whether negative or positive, are bringing me to a state of peace and satisfaction, my path of happiness and well-being.  I still don’t quite understand how, though…

So in Conclusion…

Okay, I have stopped and took a long, hard look at my life. I know what I want to do and I have made a list of short-term goals to help get me there. They are very simple goals, but I need to start somewhere. I will check off each goal that I complete, and hopefully I will accomplish many, many things this way. The bottom line – I want to be happy. Sitting here in this rut is not getting me anywhere. Not that time-offs aren’t good, but that’s no excuse for not being productive.

My convenient list of short-term goals is only a start, so I expect to progress to long-term goals after a while. Since I know what I want and have an idea of how to get it, then I should be on the right track, correct? I’d say so. Honestly, I wish I could snap my fingers and be where I wanna be. Going one step at a time should keep me focused and build appreciation, though. Let’s just hope that this process is a comfortable and fulfilling one. I mean, I don’t expect to not work hard, but I don’t want to be pushed past my limits and constantly fail. I need not fall into another depression or a trauma-induced episode. I expect everything to flow as smoothly as possible, and I want my mind to be at ease knowing that I can do this.

With this lovely bit of time-off, I shall accomplish all (or at least most) of what I wish to accomplish. So my hobbies, therapies, meditation, etc. should keep me busy and on track. Wish me luck.