Things are going well so far. I’m accomplishing some of my small goals, I’m regaining my self-confidence, and, moreover, I just feel good. Actually, I’ve been feeling pretty sick, but that’s not stopping me. I need to learn how to go with the flow, and, honestly, I don’t know how. It seems like I need to do something in order to get things done. That’s true, I guess, that I should do some things, but I don’t know what to do and what not to do. I may be too anxious to actually allow my life to flow smoothly since I had some bad experiences in the past. I must learn this process in order to succeed in my life, though.
Currently, I’m in a wonderful state of mind. Every now and then some negative thoughts tend to sweep through my mind, but they haven’t been strong enough to stop my flow. My flow is anything that embraces love and knowledge, so my path should be fulfilling and enlightening. Okay, I know what flow is, but how the hell do I go with it? According to all of the literature I’ve read on the subject, it should be incredibly easy. Considering my problems with anxiety and depression, I don’t know how easy this will be for me. Maybe it doesn’t really matter… My contentment is a bit stronger than my anxiety right now, and that means a lot. Anyway, I only wish to be happy.
I think my main task here is to look at things from a broader perspective. I tend to look at certain ideas and judge them negatively, rather than looking at them as an individual idea within a pool of ideas, which radiate from this magnificent universe. After all, if I see the universe as good, shouldn’t I see all its extensions as good, too? I must say that I feel a bit of cognitive dissonance when I contemplate this idea. I’ve felt this way for many months in fact. When it comes down to it, I’m afraid of losing myself, losing my sense of reality (not that my reality’s 100% in tact anyway). As mentioned before, I’ve had some negative experiences, so it’s a bit difficult for me to give up on resistance and allow my natural state of being to flow through. It sounds so easy, but it’s instilled in my mind to resist because “life is unfair,” and in a portion of my reality this holds true. When looking at the big picture, though, all it really amounts to is a bunch of bullshit allowing more resistance into my life, but I guess I shouldn’t think like that. Somehow all my experiences, whether negative or positive, are bringing me to a state of peace and satisfaction, my path of happiness and well-being. I still don’t quite understand how, though…
