I am very tired at the moment. My tiredness is due to a lack of sleep, walking for nearly an hour and a half for five days a week, not eating whenever necessary, my overall mental health, and last but not least my job. I can’t help but to think about death. My life seems so futile, especially when I continue to repeat the same patterns over and over when I try so hard not to. I’m sure pushing away from something does not help. I’m convinced that I don’t know what to do. I know that I must follow the path of least resistance, but how do I do that when my mind doesn’t harbor very healthy thoughts? My mind is programmed to create negative outcomes, such as getting back into a rut. Taking more time off wouldn’t do me any good. I need professional help at this point – for my physical and mental health.
Insomnia has followed me ever since I was a little child, so I’m not surprised that I’m still having trouble with sleeping. I know and understand that sleep is a necessity, but I don’t treat it as such. That’s a problem, and so is not eating properly. It’s not that I don’t eat healthy foods – I barely eat at all. Well, lately I’ve been eating one or two small meals a day, which is an improvement for me. I need to eat breakfast and lunch if nothing else. Along with sleeping, I will try to make eating regularly a priority.
As far as exercising goes, I do quite enough of that now. I walk to work instead of taking the bus (I don’t have a car). Walking is free and healthful. I just need to nourish and replenish myself since I’m walking so often now. I may cut my walking in half since my work schedule has changed considerably. I did want to exercise more, and it’s nice to know that I’m doing so. Also, I run around a bit and lift heavy things at work, so I’m counting that as exercise as well. Another thing - I try to dance at home since I plan to become a dancer in a couple of years or so.
My mental health isn’t in its worst possible state, but I must express how tired and worn out I feel. I’m tired in every way possible at this point. That’s awful! I am at a point where I’m beginning to think that I need medication. The idea of becoming a dancer is strengthening me a bit, but I can’t dance until I get out of this rut I am currently in. This unhealthy, depressing, seemingly endless rut. I’m sure completely changing my environment will provoke a bit of a change, but I’m so far gone that my mind cannot keep up. Simply, I just need professional help.
