So in Conclusion…

Okay, I have stopped and took a long, hard look at my life. I know what I want to do and I have made a list of short-term goals to help get me there. They are very simple goals, but I need to start somewhere. I will check off each goal that I complete, and hopefully I will accomplish many, many things this way. The bottom line – I want to be happy. Sitting here in this rut is not getting me anywhere. Not that time-offs aren’t good, but that’s no excuse for not being productive.

My convenient list of short-term goals is only a start, so I expect to progress to long-term goals after a while. Since I know what I want and have an idea of how to get it, then I should be on the right track, correct? I’d say so. Honestly, I wish I could snap my fingers and be where I wanna be. Going one step at a time should keep me focused and build appreciation, though. Let’s just hope that this process is a comfortable and fulfilling one. I mean, I don’t expect to not work hard, but I don’t want to be pushed past my limits and constantly fail. I need not fall into another depression or a trauma-induced episode. I expect everything to flow as smoothly as possible, and I want my mind to be at ease knowing that I can do this.

With this lovely bit of time-off, I shall accomplish all (or at least most) of what I wish to accomplish. So my hobbies, therapies, meditation, etc. should keep me busy and on track. Wish me luck.

Perspective

This week I’m putting everything in perspective. Well, actually, I’ve been doing this for a long time, but I’m really focusing on it now. Last week I felt like I was slipping, but this week I caught myself. Thank goodness! I’m still not perfectly safe, but I’m definitely on the right track. I allowed some of my values to be compromised, and doing that just isn’t worth it. I have to “wake up” and take care of myself. The only way that I can get out of this hell-hold is to focus on my well-being.

As a child, I understood who I was and what I could become; a few years ago, I knew what I wanted to do; now, things seem to have fallen apart. It hit me really hard when I was diagnosed with post-traumatic stress disorder about a year and a half ago. I couldn’t believe it at first. It wasn’t that I was in denial, but I guess I have been somewhat brain-washed for all these years.  I was taught that nothing serious was wrong with me and I was trained not to see it as a serious problem. I’ve been living with PTSD for so long without knowing it, and I just couldn’t figure out what was happening to me. When I eventually became severely depressed, I couldn’t understand why. Now I know. My life has changed after that diagnosis, but I believe it has changed for the better. Now I can deal with it and live my life.

Needless to say that I’m a bit lost right now. I pretty much had my life planned out and now my plans are shot to hell. My reality – the way I see the world – has to drastically change.  I’m hoping that everything will turn out wonderfully, because I tend to worry an awful lot about it.   I’m insecure about my life, basically.   I have many negative beliefs, which will change as I become more knowledgeable about myself and the world around me.  I can’t help but to rethink my other beliefs, though.  Some of these beliefs are pretty much set in stone for me, but I am exploring everything as far as I can.   I’m going to believe that all of this is good for me.  There’s no use in crying over spilled milk, right?  So, why not use this experience to my benefit?  I’ll figure all of this out…

“Things to Do”

I feel like I’m slipping now. I really need to get my life together. Well, things aren’t bad, but I want perfect. I just want things to happen the way I plan. In order to achieve big things, I will need to make some small goals to get me there. I’ll need to make a bunch of lists to keep track of these.

First, I guess, I should improve my mood. Meditation helps, so I will try to do that…hm, once a week for at least thirty minutes. I could probably do this in the morning on Saturdays. Also, I shouldn’t drink so much. Nearly every weekend a friend and I get together and drink (a lot), and I’m sure that alcohol isn’t helping my mood. Reading and writing does wonders for my mood, too, so I’ll add that to the list. There are many other things that I could do, but these three things are at the top of my list right now.

Second, I need money. I really want to do something in customer service, like being a receptionist or a representative, but I don’t have much experience and not many employers want to hire those without much experience. I will still apply for some of those positions, but I will apply for other kinds of jobs, too. I’m keeping an open mind at this point. I have bills to pay and things to buy, and yes, I’m including treatment on my “things to buy” list. Oh, and I need money to buy a car and finally move out on my own. So, financial freedom is definitely a must.

Last, but not least, I need treatment. This includes doing a number of things, like reading self-help books, maintaining a good diet and exercising, psychotherapy, medication, etc. I can’t really go forward in life if my past is pulling me back. All the pain I went through has really affected the way I perceive reality, so of course, I need help with that. Hopefully making a very long list of long-term and short-term goals will help me stay focused, determined, and productive. And happy, can’t forget happy.

A Lot of Time on My Hands

I’m trying to figure out what to do with my spare time.  I guess it shouldn’t be so difficult to figure out, considering I have many hobbies and interests, but I want to do a bit more than that.  For the past year I’ve had time to read, write, meditate, develop myself, work on small projects, etc.  That’s wonderful.  I haven’t realized this until now, though, which is a shame.  At least now I feel a bit more accomplished in life.  Good, because feeling unproductive isn’t a very healthy feeling.  I’ll get a job, even if it’s only part-time.  I will still have time to do everything that I want to do and I will have money as well.  I think if I had a set schedule or list of things to do, then I’d feel better. 

There are many things that I wish to do, but I need the money to do them, so I have to wait for a bit to do those.  You know, the thing is that I have my long-term goals in place, but I need some short-term ones also.   I planned to take some time off, so I focused on myself and my hobbies, which, of course, worked out well.   Now, I need something productive to do until I get a job.  I am productive now, but I would like to be doing something else.  Hanging with my friends is something else I could do!  I will add that to the list.  I should exercise, too.  Sadly, I don’t do enough of that.  While I was growing up, I didn’t have a lot of opportunities to try a lot of things, so I’m trying to do them now.  This should be a fun and lively experience.     

I haven’t forgotten about seeking help and receiving treatment – it’s one of my long-term goals.  I want to focus on more than just therapy though.  School and having a family will wait (especially having a family), and then there’s my career.  What to do in the meantime?  I will make a list and arrange them how I see fit.  Okay, it’s settled…I guess.  I will simply enjoy my life and take it one day at a time. 

Gosh, I love writing; it helps me organize my thoughts and figure things out.

Some Daily Thoughts

I’ve been feeling sick for the past few days. Hopefully whatever I have will go away very soon. Besides that, I feel just wonderful right now. My mind is at ease and my body is relaxed. It’s the perfect time for me to fall asleep. I would, except that I have to go jogging with my sister in about an hour. If I were to fall asleep, I wouldn’t get up. So, I’ll just write about a couple of things that’s been on my mind…

The relationship between my father and I seems virtually nonexistent, which is fine by me, but it becomes strained when he tries to connect with me. Every attempt he makes to connect with me pushes me farther and farther away. The thing I dislike the most is that I have a tendency to slowly get closer and closer to him when he’s away. Considering that this man is abusive to me, it would be in my best interest to stay away from him. I think the only reason why I feel compelled to keep him in my life is because he is apart of my family. How would my family feel if two people they care about were no longer on good terms? Well, actually, we were never really on good terms… I always try to be though, but somehow he manages to do something that would negatively affect me. Honestly, I’m not sure what to do. It’s obvious that I should get out of this harmful relationship, but it’s not that easy when you’re afraid of your abusive and controlling father.

Another thing that tends to sweep across my mind is my future. Currently, I’m at a cognitive dissonance between feeling like I’m slowing down my progress and allowing seemingly good opportunities to pass by and feeling like I’m progressing quite well and that my good opportunities have yet to come. I just need to know that I’m doing the right thing. I mean, I know I am by taking this necessary time off, but at the same time I feel as if I’m letting my life pass me by. Part of the way I feel is most likely due to the crap my parents taught me while I was growing up and how they look down on me now. See, this is why I should be in therapy – I’ve been raised by a couple of ignorant fools who live their lives based on fear and hate.
So, naturally I became a confused adult. I have to agree that my life is changing for the better, though. I’ve never felt this close to well-being before. I can’t go anywhere but up from here, right? Well, I do have many future plans, but they all depend on a number of factors. Some being time and money. I’ll figure all this out soon enough.

Now I feel that I could easily slip into a meditative state, which is quite peaceful and refreshing. I wish to crawl into bed and sleep the day away. If my sister doesn’t show up within the next half-hour, I’m going to bed!

Writing

I have a lot of writing to do today.  It’s strictly for my own personal uses, though.  I like to keep track of my thoughts and daily life, especially since I’m changing my reality, so it’d be nice to have something to refer to when I want to see my progress.  I have quite a few personal blogs, in fact, and I’m surprised that I can keep up with them all.  Writing is a great way for me to express myself and it does wonders during my healing/recovery process.

My life has improved greatly since I’ve learned a lot about myself and my well-being.  After some peace and deep meditation I’ve been able to see my reality more clearly, and now that I have everything, for the most part, in perspective, I want to create a stable and fulfilling life.  Quite simply, I just want to be happy.  My life has been unsatisfying and disappointing up until now, and the only outlet I had for expressing that was through writing.  Now, my writings have been more positive and uplifting.

I’m not 100% sure of what I will write in this journal, but I’ll try to update it at least once a week.  I’m not keeping any promises, though, since I plan to update my other journals weekly as well.  Anyway, I guess I’ll be back in a week!